


The Essence of Infallibility

by SkyChasingDreamer



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Blood, Desperation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Major Character Injury, Pain, Shock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-20
Updated: 2014-01-20
Packaged: 2018-01-09 09:34:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1144391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyChasingDreamer/pseuds/SkyChasingDreamer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Instinct (noun): a natural or innate impulse, inclination, or tendency.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Essence of Infallibility

Everything happens so fast in a fight. Like nerve-endings, it's all split second decisions, half the time there's no thought at all, just instinct, and that's what Gintoki has the most of – that, and heart. It's what has gotten him so far, what kept him alive for years during periods that would have left anyone else for dead. Instinct is inbred, it can't be taught or acquired or learned, it's natural. It tells him when to act and when to fall back, he follows it, sometimes blindly, and, above all things, he trusts it.

So, when he finds himself in a situation where he's fighting with the Shinsengumi and there's a sword headed toward Hijikata's back, Gintoki finds himself in the way before he even makes the conscious thought to do so. He has felt the sensation of cold steel piercing his skin many times before, so he doesn't hesitate to deliver a counterstrike that takes his opponent down with a slash from shoulder to sternum.

In these moments things are often depicted in slow motion, but that's not how it really is. In fact, things happen in such a quick succession that it feels more like he has been robbed of time because events are skipping. The pain registers, he's on his feet, he's on the ground, he lost his bokken, the pain gets worse, there's yelling, this pain feels wrong. He's had a sword through his stomach before, but this is different, it's too high, it has hit something important, he's bleeding all over his hands and clothes and the dirt. It's not a long sword, it's a short one, the hilt so close that it's almost touching his clothes, and the blade had been narrowed, but ridged on one side.

Hijikata falls to his knees at Gintoki's side and puts his hands over the wound to keep the sword in place. “S-shit – _shit_ , what the fuck were you thinking?”

Gintoki wants to tell him that he wasn't thinking, but even without thinking, he knows he'd done the right thing. He'd done the thing he would have done had he been thinking – his instinct is never wrong. Hijikata is his lover, has been for a long time, so long that it's no longer even a secret they're together, so there's no way Gintoki can fault himself. He'd done the right thing and he'd do it again if he had to. He does feel distantly lame that he's taken down by something like this, granted, they'd been fighting for a long time and everyone is tired, but this isn't the way it should end.

“Hij –”

“No! No, shh, don't t-try to talk.”

The sword went through and through, in the front and out the back, narrowly missing his spine. He knows it missed because he can still move his toes and fingers, but he knows it hit something because so much of what's happening isn't right. His breathing is rapid, too quick, his skin is cold, already cold, it shouldn't be cold so quick, it can't be, and his heart is pounding. Not only that, but he's dizzy and too weak to move much, it's happening too fast to be blamed on blood loss.

“You're going into shock,” Hijikata says and Gintoki nods, he knows, but he wants Hijikata to keep talking, he wants to keep hearing that voice. “Zaki, he saw – called, he called an a-ambulance. One is on i-it's way, okay?”

Hijikata has straddled him, hands keeping pressure on either side of the blade. Only the tip of the blade is coming out of Gintoki's back, so he hopes that laying on the ground might be enough to keep the blood in on that side. Hijikata's hands are touching his own, but though he's pressing down, he's not sure if he has strength enough to actually do anything. He tries to hold still and keep breathing, but he only gets dizzier and his heart seems to move from his chest to his throat and up into his ears. So rapid, it's like a thrum, and his vision swims.

“It's on its way, i-it'll be here,” the words tumble, rushed, from Hijikata's mouth. “Soon. Soon, alright? J-just hang in there.”

Their faces are close, their bangs mesh, he can feel Hijikata's breath against his lips and cheek, but most of all, he can see the wet sheen that glasses over Hijikata's eyes. It's subtle, but it's there, and that's how he knows he's really in trouble here. Not just in trouble anymore, but _in trouble_ , and he has to fight to keep doing the simple things and not succumb to panic. Panic is fatal, panicking means he's done for.

To keep himself calm, he raises a hand and touches Hijikata's cheek, trying to cup it in his palm, but he quickly finds out that he can't keep his arm up. It falls, leaving behind a couple smears of blood on Hijikata's skin and it looks so... nice, absurd as that might be. His mind is starting to go, it's teetering between the line of rational and irrational so precariously that he can't tell which side the thoughts are coming from. But regardless of where the thought spawns from, Hijikata looks good in red and that may or may not have something to do with Gintoki's fascination with blood.

Gintoki stares at it until Hijikata is patting his cheek. “No, no, no – stay with me, c'mon, help will be here soon. Stay with me, look at me, Gintoki? Gintoki! You've gotta, y-you've gotta stay with me.”

Gintoki means to nod, but he doesn't know if he actually accomplishes it. Feelings have begun to fade, the pain isn't so stark anymore, but his chest is still heaving. Most would take that as a bad sign, it _is_ a bad sign, but Gintoki finds a reprieve in it, the pain had been blinding. And in the fading and the blurring, it does occur to him that he has no idea where demons go. The legitimacy of the buried question is lost on him, most things are at this point. He has never experienced his body failing him before, if anything, that's what he has always had to fall back on, it's what got him through years of war and fighting.

“Oi!” Gintoki's eyes focus back in and Hijikata's face is red and his eyes so blue as he glares. “I told you to hold on a-and that's exactly what you're gonna do, dumbass! You don't ge-et to let this take you out!” Hijikata's shoulders slump and he says in a low tone that quivers in desperate anger, “I'm not done with you yet.”

Gintoki hears every word and he tries to keep his gaze trained on Hijikata, he really does, this is important. Were he able to feel properly, he'd feel guilty for making Hijikata worry and putting that kind of look on his lover's face, but he wouldn't be sorry. He'll never feel sorry for getting in the way because he'd rather it be him than Hijikata any day. Hijikata needs to live, he has to, Gintoki is selfish enough to never want to live a moment without him.

And that gives him peace as his thoughts disperse and become fragments he can no longer grasp. It's a lot like swimming, he realizes. Diving down and sinking, the water pulling at different pressures, pressing in on him, and there's something freeing about that. He doesn't like it, it's like being crushed, but it doesn't hurt as much anymore, the pain is so distant. The deeper he goes, the darker it gets, akin to a thick blanket on a cold night with no stars. He's not done living yet, he doesn't want to be done – it isn't until all the things around him get snuffed out that he realizes he swam too deep.

-o-O-o-

Gintoki's eyes crack open and the first thing that comes into his field of vision is a blood bag that's swinging just above him. Everything around it is blurred, all he can see is the blood bag, and it's in a strange amount of clarity. The fact that it's swinging is distracting, he thinks he should know why it's doing that, but it's just not clicking. He's not comfortable, but he's not uncomfortable, he's in between, but not nothing.

His right hand is on his stomach, the other at his side, and it has been a long time since he has felt so lethargic. That's a good thing, by all rights he shouldn't be feeling anything at all much less seeing things, but he's doing both. His breathing is still too shallow, too quick, and how blurry everything is is going to make him sick eventually if it doesn't quit. He's trying to think, but not much is coming to him except that he's not paralyzed because he can wriggle his toes inside his boots.

“Tell him to drive faster!”

Gintoki recognizes that voice immediately and is actually mildly surprised that it came from behind him. And, anyway, since when does he have four legs?

“Sir, he's going as fast as he can.”

Hands move on Gintoki's chest, then a barked, “It's not fast enough!”

It clicks.

Hijikata's behind him, he doesn't think that's supposed to be okay for an ambulance, but he's not going to question it. He's not so sure he can even speak right now and he knows he doesn't need to try. But he gets it now – he's sitting between Hijikata's legs, propped up on his chest, it makes sense now why Hijikata's voice is behind him. The sword is no longer in him and he's not bleeding out everywhere because his shirt and yukata have been opened so that gauze and bandages can be wrapped around him. Hijikata is still applying pressure and the bandages are red beneath his hand, but it's not spreading very quickly. He can't tell if there's internal bleeding, but he can't help thinking that if there was, he wouldn't be alive.

A spike of pain catches him by surprise and he moans, back arching slightly, which only makes it worse. It's Hijikata's hands that push him back down, pushes him into Hijikata's body back to chest, and he can hear his name being said, but he's still too out of it to give a proper response. It's like waking up after sleeping for too long, it's disorienting, he has to fight just to keep up. The car hits a bump, a pothole, maybe, but it rattles the bed and Gintoki's breath catches. He makes a sound like a wheeze, the breath he takes to recover doesn't come as smoothy as it should and his body jolts.

“Shit,” he hears Hijikata hiss as his hand leaves Gintoki's stomach to fumble somewhere off to the side. “Oi! Turn it on! This should have been done earlier, right when he got in the goddamn vehicle! Move it!” A mask is placed over Gintoki's mouth and seconds later oxygen starts flowing through it. “There,” Hijikata voice is softer and right in his ear, “that's it. Deep breaths.”

Gintoki listens and does as he's told, something that really, if he were honest, doesn't happen very often. He's not too good at following direction most of the time, but this time he'll listen, he'll do everything Hijikata tells him. He lets Hijikata hold the mask to his face, his other hand staying over Gintoki's wound, and his eyes close as he takes the deepest breaths his body will allow. The shock has simmered, but not dissipated, it's still very much there, but it's _better_. He's coming back into himself and he can run on default, Hijikata is there, he's safe.

“Stupid, y-you're so fucking s-stu – stu-u –” Hijikata can't get the word out before his voice breaks, cracking like fractals of ice shattering as he buries his face in Gintoki's neck.

Gintoki's fingers twitch at his side, still red with his own dried or drying blood, he can't tell which. It's a battle to lift his arm, to bring it up, shaking, so he can touch Hijikata. Halfway there, though, he falters and his arm would have fallen had Hijikata not caught him by the wrist. He doesn't have to tell Hijikata what he wants, doesn't even have to try because his hand has already been brought to Hijikata's face. He feels lips against his palm and then the smooth press of Hijikata's cheek. Hijikata's hand is on the back of his, helping to keep it there because they both know he doesn't have the strength on his own, but it's what they both want, what they need.

It's only then when he's holding Hijikata back as hard as he can that he knows it's going to be okay, that _they'll_ be okay. Sure, Hijikata will be pissed, will yell at him, but he'll also stay by Gintoki's side and make sure he gets everything he needs to heal. Which, right now, is this – just touching, being together, hearing Hijikata's voice. Undoubtedly, it's what brought him back and he's here to stay, his instinct tells him so.

**THE END**


End file.
